Showing posts with label fear. Show all posts
Showing posts with label fear. Show all posts

Thursday, April 9, 2015

Fear and Adventure


We’re in Buxton. It’s a tiny village, and the lack of human presence on a cold spring night is palatable.  The tourists don’t venture this far south for spring break. Mostly there are just a handful of dedicated surfers and fishers and us.

On a cloudless night the sky is illuminated by the light of countless stars, but tonight the rain soaked ground is steamy. A thick haze coats the air, dimming the human experience, cuing an ethereal quality. No human presence disrupts the spell, save one; The false white beam of the Cape Hatteras light house beacon slices through the inky sky.

A naïve puppy strains at his leash as we walk in the black. He doesn’t know what the darkness holds. He just wants to run. Let me RUN! he shouts with his desperate puppy legs.

The dark is scary though. There are hidden dangers he cannot understand. Even the grass, innocent in its appearance, holds a dark secret. Prickly burrs are nested among the blades.

“They will hurt the tender pads of your paws if you step on them”, I caution.

He can’t hear me though, so determined he is for adventure. So I protect him with a thin lime green leash.

One day I hope he can run without getting hurt by some prick hidden in the grass. I hope that he can look for adventure with confidence, instead being over sheltered by my fear.

I mostly hope that there is no pain to take away the joy of his adventure.

Of course, I worry I’m holding him back. I wonder if I could just let him go.... Would he run as fast and far as he wanted?  Would his successes be extraordinary? Would he exceed all the expectations laid before him, simply because he was able to run without a thin leash?

And of course, would his stories always start with “Remember that time...”?

~ savor the run ~

Thursday, March 12, 2015

Right Turns


It happened again.

I was praying for the end of my run by mile 2. At 2.68 I had checked my watch at least twice. I started wondering if there was something wrong with me. I showed up to run rogue, and instead I wanted to run away.

Why was running so hard today?

My legs were dead and my heart felt as though it was going to erupt from my chest. At some point I was struggling just to put one foot in front of the other, and all I could say to myself was, “Just try to hang on to Dead Ass Last and you can turn back with the group that is running 5 miles instead of 6+.”

So, I made a new goal.

I would hold on until the turn, and run the shorter distance. In fact, I got a little cocky with the new plan and I ran side by side with Harry Potter for a few strides. He mocked me gently, I pushed back, and then he dropped my sorry a** like I was standing on the street waiting for the bus. I pushed myself to try to catch him again, even though I know I can’t do that. I pushed myself because I knew I would be running the short route.

The pack bifurcated at an intersection.

All I needed to do was turn left and I would be Dead Ass Last behind the shorter distance pack. A right turn ensured an extra mile of torture.

I stood on the dark corner and watched everyone run away from me.

Head lamps and blinkies were the only thing I could see, though I could hear snipits of conversations. “...said so... Shamrock will be... was fine... elbow now... retirement plan...” FYI~ runners are weird

I had about 3 seconds to choose or I was going to find it excruciating to catch either group. Left for 5, Right for 6.2ish.

3

“Run Short!” my mind screamed.

2

I stepped left...

1

...and turned right.

My spirit sighed in relief even as my legs complained. I dug deep and caught the two women who represented the Dead Ass Last crew.

Why (the f*ck) did I turn RIGHT?

Chasing the group for an extra mile sounded like a terrible idea almost as soon as I did it. It became even more terrible sounding as we started the first in a series of climbs. Yet, I was elated by the terrible decision.  As further validation, one of my companions pointed out that being Dead Ass Last at Rogue is still faster than the average runner, by far.

In other words, we don't suck.  

The last climb was horrible, I might add. I almost quit. I dry heaved about a block from the end, and stumbled to a walk. One of the People I Don’t Know grabbed my arm – “NO! You DID NOT RUN THAT HARD TO QUIT NOW.”

I ran side by side with her to the end. And I appreciated every bit of energy she shared with me for those last steps. She was amazing, and positive, and all the things we need to be for each other on days like today.

Some days are harder than others. And in that way, Running once again proves that it is just like Life.

Today I further clarified my personal distinction between the pain of an injury, the pain of general fatigue, and the deeply satisfying pain of a hard run.

Running is hard. If it was easy they would have named it something else.

Like, “napping”.

~ savor the run ~

Thursday, November 13, 2014

Fear Less

For every second of a mountain bike video where there is a cyclist perched on the edge of a cliff, there is a MTB chic like me.

A babe on a bike who’s scared and sweaty; gripping the handlebars with white knuckles under purple gloves even as she gears down so she can chase her badass Fear-less friend through the forest trails. 

That girl?  You know the one? 


That girl, who is so totally focused on not crashing that she sometimes she forgets she is having fun?  The one who is concentrating on every single root, bump, rock, dust mote and mole hole as she negotiates her way through the trails? 

That girl is me.

And you know what?

I don’t even mind being that girl.

I’m not particularly good at the sport, but every time I go out and do it, I love it.  I find it to be invigorating and so unlike anything I’ve ever done before in my life.  

Even though it’s just like riding a bike, and I used to race BMX as a kid, this is not like riding a bike.

It’s dangerous feeling, but it’s empowering too.  It’s dirty and sweaty and all the things that we are taught that girls shouldn’t be.  There are cuss words and giggles, at the same time.


My tires pop and crunch on the roots and rocks.  They slip on loose gravel when I don’t expect it, and when that happens on a hill, it feels like the back end of the bike is vanishing from under me.  At least two or three times today I caught a root and it caused my front wheel to turn in a direction I wasn’t expecting.  That was a little frightening.







I could hit a tree.
I could wreck.
I could trust myself.
I could fear less.

And that’s what I did today. 

I hate being scared as much as the next girl, but I must love it too because I had to try to do everything I came upon today.  Every obstacle vanished behind a giggle or a muttered curse word.  Even better, I successfully “didn’t die” while trying to put it together into something that looked and felt an awful lot like FUN.

I’m sure that there was a wrinkle in my brow for a lot of today’s ride.  I know I was so focused on what was in front of my tire that I likely missed much of the beauty of today’s adventure. 

I am just as certain that I was smiling throughout the ride, even when I had to put my foot down so I could just keep going.

~savor~







Sunday, March 9, 2014

A gift: To Live a Life Without Fear

At any given time there are probably 63,291 posts on the Internet about Second Chances.

I'm sure a lot of them are focused on not giving them to Liars.  I suspect many are in favor of giving them to Children.  To Addicts.  To Runners.  To Dreams.  To Bad A** Mother Runners.

I was getting ready for my swim today and the thought that barreled through my head was how tremendously lucky I am, and that I'm so thankful I got a second chance at life.  

Two years ago I gave myself a chance to live a life without fear.  It was my gift to me; my second chance.  I decided that no one should live every day in fear of tomorrow.  All I had to do was have the courage to leap and hope that the fall into the abyss wasn't going to destroy me.

And I leapt 
and I fell
and I wasn't destroyed.  

I was reborn, for lack of a better way to put it.  I came back tougher, but softer at the same time, able to look at life without fear.  I arrived whole and able to love.  

It is such a relief to live a life that is, for the most part, free of fear.  That weight is gone, safely tucked two years in my past where it can no longer hurt me.  

I realized this week, that no matter what obstacles keep getting tossed in my face or at my feet, I have nothing to fear from that ugly past.  Everything will work out the way it's supposed to, and history has proven time and time again, that it will be so much better than I imagine.

~savor the run~

Thursday, May 23, 2013

PlanZ with a Z

"So, what are your plans for 2013?"

Plans?

Oh, I had plans.

They were amazing.

Big plans. PlanZ with a Z. Cos a Z gives everything street cred...

Pretty sure the epic planz were the shiz... something about using my bada** mtb to make my legs uber strong so I could get out and destroy a Half Distance Triathlon... after I destroyed my Half Marathon PR in March and accomplished a solid sub 4 marathon in May... At least, I think that's what they were...

I'm not 100% sure I remember anymore, and even though I have them written down, I'm not going back to look at them.

I can tell you what my plans weren't.

I wasn't planning on missing the entire month of March because I had some kind of weird illness on the last Wednesday of February. And what's crazy is that even though I lost my fitness, there is no point in feeling badly about not working out. I don't have guilt. I was sick enough to be hospitalized and have nursing students move into my apartment to take care of me...

Part of viewing health from a holistic stand point is the idea that health encompasses physical, mental and social well being. So, health has to involve resilience.

In my case, part of being resilient is making a new plan that makes the "illness" & "injury" of the past year just another part of a learning experience.

And I did learn some things from being sick.. mostly I learned is that unexpected things happen and that I'm lucky... and I learned I need to work with what I have.

So, what are my plans for 2013?  "To accomplish personal success, as defined in the moment, by me".

My "List" of 2013 FUN includes a bunch of events throughout the year, including a 100 mile bike ride in August.

However, I should really point out that the priorities are more like..

Keep it all in perspective
ride my new bike
savor the run
be happy



Tuesday, April 2, 2013

35 minutes later... I am still a runner.

Sunday I managed to ride my bike a whopping 35 minutes with the British Gentleman. That's not miles.... MINUTES...

This coordinates with the 35 minute Run I pulled off on Saturday...  I even did a few strides...

Do you realize that in February I rode my MTB for 22 miles over several hours? And Yep, I was BEAT after that adventure, but DAMN, I rocked the sh*t out of it. The part of me that was tired was my legs. My lungs and heart coulda kept going for days. It's an endurance thing. I hear it a lot from endurance athletes. We train our lungs and hearts to just keep going. (That's what she said).

And all through February I spent Wednesday morning's running my weekly 16 mile long run...

yeah, it's rainy and there are wet roads, but I did
 have a yen to go for a ride on Easter.
I'm not her anymore. That girl who was consistently running 14, 15, 16 miles on any given day, and then tooling around the James River Park system on her mountain bike with a few crazy guys & our Fearless Fear-dra, well... she doesn't really exist anymore.

That's what I need to forget, remember, hang onto, and let go of...

The person who lives in her body now has no lung capacity, no endurance, and not only that, the lungs she has are finicky. They don't like cold, heat, wet, dry, etc etc etc. And if they get tired, they hurt. There's pain that sneaks in on the right side and slides through the bronchioles like an icy wet sponge... that will make sense to some people, I swear...

The new girl needs to
FORGET trying to compare herself to the athlete.
REMEMBER that the athlete didn't become an athlete over night, and patience is required.
HANG ONTO the feeling of getting high off a 2.95 mile run for the days that are hard.
LET GO of your fear... Yoda says fear is the path to the dark side.

The fear that I'll never get "there" again, that it was a one time thing, that I can't, or won't... it is LAUGHABLE. 

and at the same time, it's there. It NAGS. It FESTERS. It GROWS.

I'm a four time marathoner, and Half Ironman finisher. Why in the world would I believe I can't get there from here? It's like I just need to remember how the story goes. I need to remember that the path wasn't lined with Personal Bests, it was lined with hard work and sweat. And Hard work.

Once upon a time, on a Tuesday, I went out and ran...

...a 5K out and back. ..But I wasn't stopping.  No way.  I had my 20 (thousand) pound stroller making me look cool...and an amazing thing happened. I realized that I was one of the runners at the 5K....  My run is place to lay my worries, with the knowledge that if I want, I can choose to heat them and gently tap them into the shapes of acceptance. ... and I was rewarded for my patience. “How you doing?” “Galactically BadA**”....  I was cruising down a hill and spray painted on the road were the letters GBA. I honestly looked around for people I knew....and then I paused for a minute as a random thought hit me, "Except, honestly, I hate 5K's enough to not want to do one right now. They hurt so much more than marathons."... and on some level they become impossible to separate.  Sometimes that pain comes to me in the form of fear.  It burns as it's torching me from the inside.  Other times it’s physical pain that I can articulate on a moan as aching muscles beg for attention. ... I did a 72.3 mile race this weekend.  Not a typo... 

So there you go....

even though I am not doing a whole lot of running these days... I am still a runner.

And runners are weird.

~savor~

Monday, March 4, 2013

8 Days Till Tomorrow


Tomorrow when I wake up, I will feel better.
Tomorrow when I wake up, I will feel better.
Tomorrow when I wake up, I will feel better.
Tomorrow if I wake up, I will feel better.
Tomorrow when I wake up, I will feel better.
Tomorrow when I wake up, I will feel better.
Tomorrow when I wake up, I will feel better.
Tomorrow when I wake up, I will feel better.

That’s probably true, by the way. Tomorrow I will feel better... but I probably won’t feel well.

Today I got out of my apartment of almost 4 hours. It took a 2 hour nap to recover from it, but that’s just a detail. It happened. I got dressed and everything.

I know that it’s going to be a long time before I’m where I was...

They don’t know what “got” me, by the way. Lots of badbadbad stuff got ruled out. I’d like to say it was the Bat/Pig Flu, right T?, but the truth is, it was probably just an opportunistic pathogen that was in the right place at the right time that led to a series of events that no one, not even The Good Dr, could have predicted.

In short, I owe my life to a Md at Patient First.  After I left her office, she said she was bothered by my condition and kept thinking about me. So she called to check on me right as everything in my life kinda took a badbadbad turn. 
I try not to think about that too much...gives me nightmares.

SO anyway, moving on to running stuff. In 8 days I went from being nearly marathon ready, to knowing that when I run again, I will be starting over from scratch.

In some regards, don’t we all wish we could do that? If you could go back to when you started running and start again with all your current knowledge, don’t you think it would be easier?

In others, I know it will be frustrating as all heckfireandshoot.
What do you mean I can only run XYZ pace for Y amount of time before I collapse into a pool of misery?

Also, let’s visit with the idea that I had finally gotten this whole bike plan down pat. I was cycling on my MTB so that when The Season started on the Road Bike I would feel fit and ready to roll.

Wheels f’in DOWN; I was going to be FIT.

Only, I’m so.no.fit.n.anything.

I’m weak. So weak that writing this has made me tired, and I think I’ll go get ready for bed. It’s 4something pm.

But that’s okay. It’s going to be fine, because tomorrow when I wake up, I will feel better.