Wednesday, April 25, 2012

running away

Sometimes I wake up and look at the me I am, and the me I was, and I wonder how I got from here to there, or there to here.

In some respects, I'm the best I've ever been.

I'm, at times, brilliantly expressive, ever able to say what's on my mind, what is important to me, what I'm feeling and how all that relates to the person I'm communicating with.  I am verbal to the level of "very".  

That is, I'm very expressive, very talkative, very loud... very clear....

At the same time, I'm very afraid, very unsure.  I lived for a long time with fear that what I say will be the wrong thing, the wrong sentence and at the wrong time.  The punishments were swift, and are never forgotten.  Just as my mistakes were never forgotten, to be relived and rehashed. 

I live on eggshells, with caution dictating my every move.  Years upon years of this behavior has changed my ability to function.  I am not telling you this for sympathy, but more for clarity.

So how did I get here?  Afraid to speak, stumbling over words, and yet openly speaking, very openly speaking, on a public forum, casting caution to the wind?  

I'm not sure.  I have never felt more like two women.  The housewife and the prostitute with one foot in a fairy tale and the other in the abyss. (paulo, who else?)

One will win, one will hide. Or will they merge?  And if that happens, does that leave me in the fairy tale, or in the abyss...? 

And the days when I feel I can't figure it out, when I'm ever seeking a life line, I always come back to one thing. one IMPORTANT thing.  It's probably the most important thing about the core of me, the heart of me, the part that isn't dictated by either of these women...  I can run.

"Sometimes I run, so I don't run away."

16 comments:

Julie D. said...

Ginny, I relate more than I'd like to admit, right now. Today, I'm joining you in the 'run'...so I don't run away. Hang in there.

carrie said...

So true and well said! I run so I don't run away as well.

MCM Mama said...

Yep. 'nuff said.

bobbi said...

They will merge. And you will emerge the hero of the fairy tale who conquerred the abyss.

Run on my friend.

Meredith said...

I'm with Bobbi on this one :) Love you, my friend!!

Shellyrm ~ just a country runner said...

Holy Sh#! Are you talking about me? I live...well, for a long long time I lived on egg shells. I may have one foot on them still. But you really nailed it!

"I run so I don't run away!" I'm with you more than you will probably ever understand.

I wish we didn't share the eggshell quality of life. But I hope the ground you live on firms up!

Rene' said...

Perfect....perfectly said. You will come out on top of the abyss. I know it. xoxoxoxo!!!

Pam said...

Hey, my husband keeps trying to convince me that two women are better than one...

Michelle said...

Like.

DE Runner Girl said...

OMG you have a way with words....you last sentence is me right now.

Alili said...

Like this and relate to it on so many levels.

Anonymous said...

What is this BS? Daily Affirmation with Stuart Smalley? I blog, and gosh-darn-it people like me!

Chele said...

For a while they merge, then you celebrate being opposite, you stomp all over the eggshells you weren't allowed to break. Then 10 years later you look & realize your now someone different & its ok because you've somehow figured out how to suck all the good pieces out of the past and add them to the amazing person you've become. 11 years later & I'm still figuring that out.

Chele said...

For a while they merge, then you celebrate being opposite, you stomp all over the eggshells you weren't allowed to break. Then 10 years later you look & realize your now someone different & its ok because you've somehow figured out how to suck all the good pieces out of the past and add them to the amazing person you've become. 11 years later & I'm still figuring that out.

Chele said...

For a while they merge, then you celebrate being opposite, you stomp all over the eggshells you weren't allowed to break. Then 10 years later you look & realize your now someone different & its ok because you've somehow figured out how to suck all the good pieces out of the past and add them to the amazing person you've become. 11 years later & I'm still figuring that out.

Chele said...

For a while they merge, then you celebrate being opposite, you stomp all over the eggshells you weren't allowed to break. Then 10 years later you look & realize your now someone different & its ok because you've somehow figured out how to suck all the good pieces out of the past and add them to the amazing person you've become. 11 years later & I'm still figuring that out.