In some respects, I'm the best I've ever been.
I'm, at times, brilliantly expressive, ever able to say what's on my mind, what is important to me, what I'm feeling and how all that relates to the person I'm communicating with. I am verbal to the level of "very".
That is, I'm very expressive, very talkative, very loud... very clear....
At the same time, I'm very afraid, very unsure. I lived for a long time with fear that what I say will be the wrong thing, the wrong sentence and at the wrong time. The punishments were swift, and are never forgotten. Just as my mistakes were never forgotten, to be relived and rehashed.
I live on eggshells, with caution dictating my every move. Years upon years of this behavior has changed my ability to function. I am not telling you this for sympathy, but more for clarity.
So how did I get here? Afraid to speak, stumbling over words, and yet openly speaking, very openly speaking, on a public forum, casting caution to the wind?
I'm not sure. I have never felt more like two women. The housewife and the prostitute with one foot in a fairy tale and the other in the abyss. (paulo, who else?)
One will win, one will hide. Or will they merge? And if that happens, does that leave me in the fairy tale, or in the abyss...?
And the days when I feel I can't figure it out, when I'm ever seeking a life line, I always come back to one thing. one IMPORTANT thing. It's probably the most important thing about the core of me, the heart of me, the part that isn't dictated by either of these women... I can run.
"Sometimes I run, so I don't run away."