Thursday, July 7, 2011

Water Boarding

if there's a hell on earth... and it exists in "Levels"...

Then in my world...

The 1st Ring of Hell would have to be sitting through Beauty Pageants.  I've done a few, and they're torture.  Painful experience that lasts a few too many hours with few redeeming qualities.

The 2nd Ring of Hell is most definitely my shower on a day when the Body Glide, running bra & I have lost a battle in the "chafe war".

I'm not sure about Ring 3.... but the 4th Ring of Hell is any Emergency Room with your own child.  Time slows to a crawl, worry eats away at your soul, truly, is there anything that a mother finds more hellish?

Well... there's always The 5th ring of Hell ... the segment of I-95 that passes through CT.  Add a beige minivan and some Disney music to the construction and NY drivers, and you've certainly got something that qualifies as torture.

For SURE though, I know now, for me the 6th Ring of Hell is a Water Park.

TORTURE of the WORST KIND.

I don't love myself in swim wear.  I mean, it's not horrible, but no one really wants to see me in a 2 piece bathing suit all day... though that said, that's what I wore, because my skirt has pockets, and I hate to be without pockets....and no, there are no photos, nor will there ever be photos...

Adding to the awkwardness is that at a water park there's a better than good chance you're going to be surrounded by people in swim wear.  All day.

Many of the swim wear wearing people are lovely.  They're usually the ones in one pieces though.  With sarongs.

The other 89% of the people out parking at the water park eating funnel cakes dusted in powdered sugar are... yeah. and then.  uh huh.  I hate to judge.  I'm not here to judge.  I'm just... I mean...  Listen people, if you're not SURE that the bathing suit covers your entire "nip", you REALLY should look for one with a bit more to it.  And if the top isn't 100% covering your ...ah... twins, then let's REALLY take a minute here to evaluate the coverage on the bottoms... shall we?  Maybe, at the VERY least we could just go up a size?  or 3.  AND TRULY there is NOTHING wrong with wearing a sarong or skirt or blue 6X6 tarp over your suit for the comfort of all the people sharing your space.

And while we're on the topic of space sharing, can we just touch on the subject of conversation topics?

Appropriate conversation topics for a family water park do not generally require the abbreviation of the words "Birth Control"... nor do they usually include the words "screwing" or "e'ffing" and if it happens that your sister is a "whore" with multiple boyfriends, I really. REALLY. do not need to hear about it in the 3 minutes it takes my kids to go up a flight of stairs, wait in line, and slide down a slide on an inner tube.

Longest 3 minutes of my life.

8 comments:

Jessica (Pace of Me) said...

oooooh mygoodness...THAT is funny. I stay clear of water parks at all costs. i'm sorry you had to endure that ring of hell. but, thanks for the laugh!

Mustang Sally said...

Laughing. Out Loud.

Gaspegirl said...

OMG, that is so FUNNY! You had me laughing out loud...

Make it a great day!

bobbi said...

Ha!! So so true, on every level. Way to be a survivor :)

Chris @ Heavy Steps said...

I shuddered when I read the part about the traffic, mini van and disney music... That is the worst!!

runningthedawn.com said...

aaaaaaaa! you speak the truth!!!!! seriously. i mean, i think i remember a birthday party that i HAD to have at the water park, but now that i'm over the age of 9, i can't find anything redeemable about them. bless you for taking your kids. you are a saint, for sure.

Jen said...

Ohhhh, I wish I was there with you!

A Double Deacon said...

It is really awkward to have to answer your kids' questions about what they overhear and I have this problem at the amusement park, the state fair, or college football games. The swimwear thing occurs at the beach as well but I find the old-man-in-a-speedo can be ignored! LOL