Friday, May 4, 2012

a.k.a. the one where I said to myself, "Self..."

Also, this post isn't so much about "running" as it is about "me".  Forgive me while I indulge a bit..

How self aware are you?

I like to call myself "pseudo-self-aware".

When things get tough, but are pretty, I cling to my friends and share and vent and giggle and pretty much make a nuisance of myself in the best possible way.  Like, when I'm stressed out because my GPA is ridiculously high and I've studied to the point of having an eye twitch but I'm slightly babbly due to exhaustion and I am so overwhelmed that I quote The Princess Bride ALL day long... that's when I tend to vent to my friends about my crAZy life.

"I've got my country's 500th anniversary to plan, my wedding to arrange, my wife to murder, and Guilder to frame for it... I'm swamped."

I KNOW everyone likes ~that~ girl.  She's hilarious, even when her eye is twitching.  Her favorite things to do are to mock herself and mock her eye twitch and mock ... well...  It's an easy target.

But when things are ugly I PUSH my friends away.  Sometimes I've been known to actually walk away from conversations.  I disconnect.  Literally.  Like, deactivate my FB account.  Then, if I don't actually pull away, I start reading between lines on e-mails and text messages.  Hmm, I think.  Maybe 'call any time' actually was code for 'you annoy the crap out of me I hope we never speak again'...  and then I say, "I don't want to bother you, I know you're busy" and "I'm okay" even when I'm not...  like, when my kid was diagnosed with Autism, or when our ENT told us my son's hearing was being permanently damaged by all the scarring on his tympanic membrane, or when....

One day I'll explain everything, but by then it will be old news and easier to write about in my usual self depreciating humor-filled style.  Suffice it to say, right now, I need my peeps.  And yet, I caught myself pushing back, and I said to myself, "Self...".  And this is where having a really great therapist comes in handy, and why I say I'm pseudo self aware..."You probably shouldn't push your friends away this time."

And so instead of continuing to push, I did something radical and, possibly, life altering.

I opened my mouth and told my posse about my self destructing tendencies.

And do you know what my posse, as a whole, said to me...?

"Thanks for letting us know Chica, but you're not going ANYWHERE.  C'mon, let's go for a run."

Aren't they the best?

Yup.  I'm all schmoopy.


bobbi said...

Love. You have an amazing group of friends - I'm so glad you are leaning on them now. :)

MCM Mama said...

So, I've been sitting in Fredericksburg,waiting for you to show up for coffee...

Ok, not really, but I want to. We need to do this before school gets out. So, email me.

carrie said...

HOORAY! I'm so glad you opened yourself up (TWSS) and they were there for you. I'm glad you could run with a group to keep from running away!!

Char said...

Good friends are the sort that don't just do what you want - they do what's good for you. Sounds like you've got a bunch of them.