Thursday, September 4, 2008

And then I took a bite of my OWN lunch...

Devil Possession is not something that people should take lightly, but should be handled within your family's comfort zone.  For example, the way I deal with possession is somewhat radical, slightly untraditional, and probably NOT a "sanctioned" procedure.... but, it seems to work for me so...

During the usual possession, there are several stages.  The first stage is recognizing the possession for what it is, and not mistaking it for "hunger" or "thirst" or even, "need of a nap".  In the second stage we try to treat the symptoms of the possession, and in the third stage we call for professional help if the possession has not been exorcized.  

Take today for example.  I've not been feeling that great since last week when I caught that little bug, and I know I compounded that feeling by RUNNING A HALF MARATHON!  (sorry, had to plug that one in).  I've been eating odd little meals, usually just whatever sounds good, and even then I don't really eat that much.  So, today I stepped away from my vegan diet and made myself a little yogurt and fruit for lunch.  I sprinkled about 1 TBL of Granola cereal on there too for a little crunch.  Total, maybe there was a cup of food in the bowl.  

So, I sat down to eat my lunch.  Don't worry about B, she'd already been offered about 10,037 foods, none of which sounded appealing to her.  Well, B arrived as soon as my spoon hit yogurt.  "Would you like a bite?"  "Us!"  (means yes in B)  I gave her a bite.  And then, I took a bite of my OWN lunch.   You would have thought a bee flew up out of the floor and stung her on the nose because at that moment B completely freaked out.  She fell to the floor, screaming and convulsing.  There were tears streaming down her face, from her nose sprung forth a river of snot that could not be quelled by a kleenex, and the words that came out of her mouth... well, they were obviously the product of the Devil.

My method of exorcising the Devil follows below.  First, immediately STOP EATING your own lunch and offer it to the possessed individual.  If that does not work, ignore the outburst.  The victim has no control over her body at this point, so don't waste any air in an attempt to communicate.  If you're lucky and the possessed person snaps back, offer the victim a bite of lunch, a graham cracker or sippy cup. Hopefully, at this point, the possessing Devil will realize that you are hard core serious and not going to be impressed by violent theatrics.  The last step, and I caution you to use this one sparingly, is to call your mother.  Yes, she will know what to do, but sadly the conversation will probably start out like this, "Well, you used to do that all the time when you were this age..."

I'll be honest.  It's been a long day and getting longer by the second.  B is pushing me to the breaking point.  Calgon, take me away, but only if I get to go without any small people yelling at me for "gum", "oogurt", or something that will remain nameless... not because I don't want to share, but because I have NO idea what she is saying when she's asking for it.

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