Friday, March 12, 2010

Liar

I hate liars. They irritate me. Because to be a convincing liar, you have to lie to yourself first.

I am a liar. I am irritated with me. I have been so convincing to myself that I have convinced others that I'm NOT a liar. So we're on the same page, I AM A LIAR.

I did not gain 7 pounds in 4 months because I have been carefully watching what I eat. I have not gained 7 pounds because I quit running due to an injury (oh, to be clear, the injury is very real, that's not the lie). I gained 7 pounds because I was angry about my injury, and while I didn't set out to nurse my wounded ego with food, I found myself slipping into the old habits, and old habits are the habits of a woman who is a lot heavier than I am.

I'll have an oreo when I'm getting the kids their OREO for dessert. "No kids, you can only have 2, see, I'm only having 2". But, by now, I've already had 1, and then another 2. It's OK I tell myself, I have only had 1 serving. But later that same night, I wander into the kitchen and have 2 more.

Before lunch I'm a NAZI. I eat a regimented breakfast. A regimented snack if I'm hungry (have we met? I'm always hungry). Aaaaaaaand then, I can't ever decide what to have for lunch. What if THAT doesn't satisfy me? What if I eat THAT and still want something later? Ok, OK, I'll just have ... whatever I choose is a smallish lunch portion, knowing I'm going to want something later.

So, I'm not satisfied. I set myself up to be not satisfied. And then instead of having a pear later, I end up eating (fill in the blank with a few cookies, a handful of wheat thins, a cheese stick, a tablespoon of guacamole, a few tortilla chips, a spoonful of salsa right out of the jar, a cup of popcorn... oh, no, NOT ONE of these things, on any given day I might eat 5 of the above!). Then I make a sensible healthy dinner for my family with 2 vegetables, a meat and a starch. And... then we have 2 cookies for dessert if it's a dessert night.

What? What is that? That's not a healthy eating plan.

I am a liar.

Today is a NEW DAY. 7 Pounds is the price I have to pay, but I will have to get rid of them this time the same way I got rid of them last time. It's not the end of the world. 7 pounds isn't a lost cause. There is no such thing as a lost cause. Run DMZ had the best quote recently about self discipline and disappointment in life... and it is SO true. I feel terrible about myself, my self esteem is slipping, I've even let my homework habits slide in the past week, all because I've let self discipline go to the curb. I'm not proud of myself any more, and that irritates me.

Today is the day that I reacquaint myself with g., the marathoner, and try to remind g., the fat girl, that she doesn't need to eat junk to be happy.

4 comments:

Rachel said...

You can do this! You are disciplined and motivated. I am your biggest cheerleader! Go G Go!

Anne said...

Dust yourself off G and climb back on...You are a very determined woman! We'll be right here to cheer you on. Be proud of yourself for being so quick to react!

wannabewriterrunner said...

You got this!!

MCM Mama said...

Can you hold me accountable while you're doing this? "cause I totally could have written this post. And I've been blaming it on the "marathon training hungries". SIgh.